As a person that has no desire to consort with hordes of people, I will improvise with information to write a column on Beatroute’s desired subject matter for this issue. Music Festivals. I can barely remember the last time I was at one, because I am always ball and chained to running local shows on weekends with my job. I suppose the last music festival I was at was Naughty Camp II in the early 2000’s. That was the time LeBlanc, Dave May and I rented a RV camper as travel and sleeping quarters after the cowpie tent fiasco the year before. That’s a whole other story. I’ll just say this. If you rent an RV, don’t let anyone use the fucking bathroom in it to take a shit. That had to be the worst commute from Pemberton back to the city ever. Between the grueling hangover after 2 days and the putrid odor emanating from the bathroom, vomit wasn’t far from projecting.

From the ancient ashes of NorthWest Metal Fest, there are some killer people undertaking metal festivals these days in B.C. and Alberta, which is stellar. I remember making a meme last year which demonstrated how cleanly metalheads camping skills were compared to mainstreamers. I think that is a really cool element of how metalheads are perceived by society as heathens, when they actually are more environmentally friendly than the general public that attends the trendy pop events.

In my eyes a music festival is one that requires camping in the wilderness, not a multi-venue city event. Here are some of the main metal music festivals this summer.

Armstrong Metal Fest VIII – Jesse from Odinfist is one of the co-founders. 30+ bands. July 15- 17, Armstrong B.C. Info – armstrongmetalfest dot ca.

Metallion Festival 3 – the boys from Deveined are involved with this. 25+ bands. August 12 – 14, west of Prince George, B.C. at Brookside. Free camping! Search on Facebook.

Loud as Hell Metal Festival – 30+ bands. Aug 29 – Sept 1, Drumheller, AB. Info – loudashell dot com

I get that festivals are the most bang for your buck for seeing plenty of bands. That only happens if everything isn’t crossbooked to shit, especially in the city style ‘Festival’ atmosphere. So without further ado here are some city events for Vancouver.

Covenant festival II. Cvlt as fuck. June 16 – 18. Hindenburg. Only the grimmest shit and a killer headliner. Wear black or be mocked with crossed arms and death stares. No apparent website so search on Facebook.

If punk is your thing check out ‘Have a Good Laugh’ that is being thrown by the crustier folks in Vancity. Various venues with lots of roadpopping, studded vests and obscure punk patches. June 9 – 12. Info – thoughtdecay dot com

Music Waste 2016 – June 2 – 5. A far cry from the vision Brian Salmi had back in the day. If you’re indie trendy enough, don your sweater vest or mom jeans and have a peep through your over-sized glasses. Various Vancity venues. Info – musicwaste dot ca.

Tacofest II. – 20 bands. Tacos. Lots of rock. Swangard stadium. Sat July 16. Info apocalypsesunrise dot com.

Burgerfest VI – 18 bands. Burgers. Heavy. Sat Aug 13. Waldorf. Johnny has stepped aside on this one so contact the folks at Art Signified for more info or search on Facebook.

Overused word of the decade – Festival.
Finally, a word on Facebook etiquette. I wouldn’t think about posting my shows at Funky’s to the Rickshaw’s Facebook page. I don’t understand why newbie promoters or band guys would do that to my pages. So I’ll just continue to delete them. The point of a venue having a page or group is to advertise their shows. Sure, some of those same bands have played here before but advertise your show on the appropriate venue’s page. I didn’t create these designated spaces so you can laze your way as a promoter.

As always. Lots of shit to do here in Vancity. Carry on.