Every month, like clockwork, I procrastinate this column until the 11th hour. It just doesn’t make sense to me to have people reading something extra stale dated which cancels out writing it earlier.

I’ve received praise from random people of every ilk for my writing which feels pretty fucking good. I was amazed by the cross section of peeps that actually read my blurb. I kind of wish, through Beatroute, I could answer a feedback mailbag. That would make coming up with themes pretty easy. I’ve been penning this column for over 4 1/2 years now. I’m sure I’ve rehashed the same subjects multiple times because shit always seems to come back around. How many more, “do this, don’t do that” blogs pop up every month. This month I saw a rash of ‘evil’ promoter posts. It’s a thankless job sometimes, even if you’re doing it right.

I have severe writers block this month. Here’s some unsolicited advice blurbs for shits and giggles. I will reach 600 words this month with this convoluted method.

Dear bands. Please practice a set up and tear down, live show situation with your gear. Aim for 15 minutes on a timer. Promoters and other bands will be stoked to share a bill with you if you get your shit together on this. Accolades from your adoring fans can wait.

Dear newer bands. How to get paid at a show. In my case, I have a very poor memory from years of boozing and endless faces, so it’s a good idea to check in before the show starts. Send one guy, generally the online contact or responsible member so I know your face. After midnight’s door cash out, I do a few laps around the bar looking for you. Keep in mind I also have poor eyesight. If you’re not around you get added to the list. I have an extensive list in my float wallet of uncollected band dough. Look me up if you think you may be on this list. It goes back at least 5 years. I wonder how many bands have assumed they didn’t get paid by me. I may be on an evil promoter list.

Dear live music fans. Expand your musical horizons. Check out a local or touring band you’ve never seen at least once a month. Live a little.

Dear live music fans. Enough cover charge balking over 10 bucks. Every time you spill your coffee that’s 5 bucks. I see your Instagram pictures of expensive beers at trendy joints around town. Decide instead to see at least 15-20 musicians performing live music for you. Ten dollars is a pittance.

Dear bar patrons. If you’re too drunk, there is likely a scenario where the door guy will refuse you entry to the pub. You are not more important than the risk of a hefty fine and possible enforcement closure of the business. See you tomorrow. Call it a day.

Dear everyone. I can not help you get into the bar without ID. It’s not my call. I just book the bands there and collect my paycheque like any other working stiff. Get to know Phill. He may just vouch for you. Better yet, haul your carcass down to the DMV and get your shit together.

Dear other promoters. Attempt to be conscientious of what else is going on in this city. I’ve made plenty of sacrifices for the sake of not killing someone elses show. Your turn.

Dear Internet. Try matching the shit that comes out of your typing fingers with what you’d really do and say in reality. The personality trait of a gutless keyboard warrior is getting really stale. Like it or not, the law is catching up with this trend of irrational bullshit. Get it together.

Phew, there it is. See you around.