So I sat here staring at this blank page for a couple of hours on deadline day and after a couple bowls of homemade French Onion soup I figured I might as well just start typing….I was thinking what else could I possibly have to say about music that I haven’t already alluded to in my past seven columns….
I guess we could discuss social problems that affect us all, being the patrons of the arts… Let us talk about potty training for adults in the live music venue….. The venue washroom…. The home of future Poet Laureates…Cliche statements …Band sticker advertising and the always gold, slut with a phone number scrawl … Now I don’t know what sort of upbringing some people had but I can speak to peoples utter disregard to the fact that the washrooms in a bar are a shared environment…
Dearest women…If you feel the need to hover above the porcelain god with your terrible splatter control would it not be simpler to lift the seat like a man so you had a bigger target to piss all over ? Now this would be respectful in the fact that people who do need to sit on the toilet seat would have less to mop up…
People snicker when I go to use a public toilet armed with papertowel drenched in antibacterial soap… I wash the seat down even if it appears dry to counteract even the most polite previous user that does attempt to wipe up their soilage… Yep, I’m a bit of a weirdo…But I chalk that up to being a Virgo I suppose…. To the women guilty of the large splatter pattern, I can’t imagine what the back of your legs or your clothes look like under one of those CSI lights…Dreadful thought!
Most often the women overheard bemoaning the fact that the bathrooms at the venue are so disgusting are the actual overspray culprits … Ever been to the Cambie?
Sharing bathroom facilities with drunk people is interesting to say the least…. Every Friday at the Cobes I had the great pleasure of doing the weekend bleachdown prep… I’ve experienced the most interesting backed up toilet contents treasure hunt imaginable… I have a laundry list of items that were visible to fish out… There was at least a dozen missing underwear victims… Although, this may be attributed to the always edgy bathroom sex concept rather than potty mishaps….
One time with the help of my buddy Corey from Raised by Apes who happens to be a plumber, we had to remove the men’s toilet from the base …. The cause of the obstruction….One smashed up Moosehead bottle…A Toonie…A Loonie….A Quarter and miscellaneous bottle caps… Not exactly flushable items…. The change was quickly scooped up by the rubbies on Main Street… Let’s hope a dope dealer developed a hefty case of Escherichia Coli….
Let’s just say I became very handy with a snake….
The girls toilets had tanks and thus were used as beer coolers for the punks…. Although innovative to chill those smuggled beers, that concept wreaked havoc on the flush mechanisms… I had to replace those countless times along with the tank covers which ended up getting smashed on the floor because of drunken beer retrieval attempts…
As for the boys room, the issues were mostly wall and floor piss and urinal puke…. Must say boys, that’s quite the feat to puke and piss at the same time…. Jen, who used to be the cleaner at the Cobes reports some cases of urinal shit suspiciously without toilet paper…. Who are these guys running around with the unwiped starfish? … Beer cans in the toilet bowl were always fun fishing… Who would have thought that the toilet had a recycling symbol on it…
Luckily, the phantom toilet seat shitter remained an Ivanhoe anomaly… I’ve only had to deal with that a few times as opposed to the many times the peeps that worked at the Ho had to….It became quite the after work folklore talk in the hood…. Who was that phantom shitter?!
SUBCULTURE 